I’m a lesbian, and I have a jealous obsession with this straight male?
I’m a high-school female, who is a lesbian as of current (I only say this because there is a possibility of transsexualism within me, and I’m very confused at this point).
There is this guy at my school, who is a few years older than I. I do not fantasize nor wish to be with him in any way, but he is a very good-looking young man, he’s smart, he’s about 16, he’s cool, he’s funny, he’s Caucasian, he’s athletic, he’s happy, he’s a junior, and he’s got a LOT of girls on his arm. Everyone likes him. He’s got tons of friends and he’s got a job at the coolest store at the mall, that I’ve always wanted.
On the other hand, I’m the complete opposite of him. I’m depressed as well as withholding a few other emotional/personality disorders, I’m falling behind, I’m gay, I’m ugly, I’m non-Caucasian, I’m a freshman (this year will never end), I’m a young kid, I have an odd and unattractive body type, I’m not athletic, I loathe my body (why did I have to be made a GIRL?), I’m bullied, I haven’t a friend in the world, I dread my home life as much as school, amongst many other issues.
I sit here and obsessively envy this male for everything he has. I don’t know. I just constantly sit here and think about him, think about how good his life must be, and how I would kill to have one-tenth of his attributes. I practically break down every time I see him in anger. Sometimes, I’ll dream of being in his body. At other times, I feel like maiming the boy.
I have no idea what to do about this. I feel this way about every straight, white, good-looking, well-off guy I see, but never as much as I do him. I hate how I’m always so JEALOUS.
Sometimes, I’ll think, "Well, he must have some bad aspects of his life; maybe I should be careful of what I wish for." But these thoughts are drowned out by my obsession.
I’ve been on break, and I’ve been laying here like a lump for the past two weeks. I’m terrified of going back to school for many reasons. I’ve been purposely depriving myself of nutrition and sunlight. I feel too ugly to go anywhere, and I refuse to leave the house, let alone my bed. I’d really prefer death at this point. These past two weeks have gone by so slowly; I feel as though time has stopped.
But I just want to know a good mindset one of you guys can expose to me so I stop being jealous of this guy, and so I stop thinking about him so much.
You need to remember things aren’t always what they seem. Everyone is messed up in one way or another, just because someone seems happy or has the "perfect life" from the outside does not mean its true. Everyone is unhappy in some way and everyone has some major thing wrong in there lives. I was friends with a guy for over a year and had no idea he had major depression and was suicidal alot of the time, one of my other friends was raped for years and we had no idea. Who knows maybe one of his parents is an alcoholic or he has an unstable household or maybe he’s secretly depressed himself. From my experience everyone is a little messed up, its horrible but its an equalizer.
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July 22nd, 2010 at 6:07 am
well this sounds somewhat in "American psycho" style…
Seriously though: Why are you jealous? Girls are good looking…equally smart.
Being jealous of the opposite sex is just stupid.
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July 22nd, 2010 at 6:15 am
You need to remember things aren’t always what they seem. Everyone is messed up in one way or another, just because someone seems happy or has the "perfect life" from the outside does not mean its true. Everyone is unhappy in some way and everyone has some major thing wrong in there lives. I was friends with a guy for over a year and had no idea he had major depression and was suicidal alot of the time, one of my other friends was raped for years and we had no idea. Who knows maybe one of his parents is an alcoholic or he has an unstable household or maybe he’s secretly depressed himself. From my experience everyone is a little messed up, its horrible but its an equalizer.
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July 22nd, 2010 at 7:03 am
It’s rough, I know, when you start questioning your own lot in life, especially your sexuality. It goes doubly if you’re home life is a bit of a wreck and you’re at an awkward age.
The major problem I see is that you’re completely comparing your life to his.
This is a bad idea because no matter who you choose to compare yourself too, you’ll always come up short because you’re only seeing what they’re showing you. It’s terrible to think, but it’s very possible that this perfect kid goes home to a terrible household or struggles with his own identity.
He may very well look in the mirror every day and hate what he sees. I know because I’ve done it. I’ve been complimented in the past but still wake up some days wishing for a different body or face.
And odds are, someone looks at you and says the same thing, wishing they looked like you or lived like you but not knowing your pains and problems.
I know, you’re probably shaking your head saying ‘not me’ but it’s true. I can guarantee, as they looked at me, like I’ve looked at others, as you look at him, they look at you.
You’re at an awkward age, but it gets easier as you get older. Things don’t stay rough forever. Embrace your sexuality, your looks and you’re strengths. If you’re that worried about your looks, do something about it. No, nothing drastic but go to a beautician, learn what you can about make up and what clothes work for your body type. I know it might seem shallow or silly, but whatever makes you feel better about just being you will make it all worthwhile.
You’ll find with a bit of confidence, you can get the girls, the jobs and the life you want, you just have to make the effort to get it.
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Life.
July 22nd, 2010 at 7:26 am
Here’s something to consider:
Not too long ago, the guy I like said, "I wish I looked better than I do". To me, he’s a work of art. If he looked any better, he’d have no choice but to be a god. Yet all the same, he feels like he doesn’t look attractive.
Chances are, there’s someone out there who thinks the same thing about you.
Another way to look at it:
Think about when you buy flowers. What’s more important, the color and shape of the flower or the fact that you spent your money for someone else to make them feel special? Now answer this, what’s better of *these* two: the outside appearance of the guy, or the love you have to offer to someone else? Whether you feel you are truly male or female, there is *always* someone who you can love. Try to find that beauty in yourself, and respect yourself for giving it to the person you love. It doesn’t matter what happens, just be proud that you are you.
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