I’m a high-school female, who is a lesbian as of current (I only say this because there is a possibility of transsexualism within me, and I’m very confused at this point).
There is this guy at my school, who is a few years older than I. I do not fantasize nor wish to be with him in any way, but he is a very good-looking young man, he’s smart, he’s about 16, he’s cool, he’s funny, he’s Caucasian, he’s athletic, he’s happy, he’s a junior, and he’s got a LOT of girls on his arm. Everyone likes him. He’s got tons of friends and he’s got a job at the coolest store at the mall, that I’ve always wanted.
On the other hand, I’m the complete opposite of him. I’m depressed as well as withholding a few other emotional/personality disorders, I’m falling behind, I’m gay, I’m ugly, I’m non-Caucasian, I’m a freshman (this year will never end), I’m a young kid, I have an odd and unattractive body type, I’m not athletic, I loathe my body (why did I have to be made a GIRL?), I’m bullied, I haven’t a friend in the world, I dread my home life as much as school, amongst many other issues.
I sit here and obsessively envy this male for everything he has. I don’t know. I just constantly sit here and think about him, think about how good his life must be, and how I would kill to have one-tenth of his attributes. I practically break down every time I see him in anger. Sometimes, I’ll dream of being in his body. At other times, I feel like maiming the boy.
I have no idea what to do about this. I feel this way about every straight, white, good-looking, well-off guy I see, but never as much as I do him. I hate how I’m always so JEALOUS.
Sometimes, I’ll think, "Well, he must have some bad aspects of his life; maybe I should be careful of what I wish for." But these thoughts are drowned out by my obsession.
I’ve been on break, and I’ve been laying here like a lump for the past two weeks. I’m terrified of going back to school for many reasons. I’ve been purposely depriving myself of nutrition and sunlight. I feel too ugly to go anywhere, and I refuse to leave the house, let alone my bed. I’d really prefer death at this point. These past two weeks have gone by so slowly; I feel as though time has stopped.
But I just want to know a good mindset one of you guys can expose to me so I stop being jealous of this guy, and so I stop thinking about him so much.
You need to remember things aren’t always what they seem. Everyone is messed up in one way or another, just because someone seems happy or has the "perfect life" from the outside does not mean its true. Everyone is unhappy in some way and everyone has some major thing wrong in there lives. I was friends with a guy for over a year and had no idea he had major depression and was suicidal alot of the time, one of my other friends was raped for years and we had no idea. Who knows maybe one of his parents is an alcoholic or he has an unstable household or maybe he’s secretly depressed himself. From my experience everyone is a little messed up, its horrible but its an equalizer.